December 28, 2009

Shared loss

My friend's father passed away on Christmas Eve.  I just found out today: a mutual friend mentioned it, almost casually. 

I don't know any details; how he died, what the circumstances were, when the funeral is (have they already had it?).

All I know is that I wish I could phrase my condolences better, more eloquently.  That even having been on the other side, all I can say from here is still, "I'm sorry.  I'm so, so sorry.  I'm thinking of you."

What I really wish I could do is give him a hug: the kind that doesn't require words, the kind that is enveloping and sheltering and cradling and would just let him cry, because that was what I had needed the most, what my best friend provided for me.

The facebook message I sent hardly seems enough, but I wanted to make sure that he would receive it quickly yet on his own time.

I am crying, and I am not sure if I am crying for him, for his father, for his family--or if my tears are really just for me, for a pain that is remembered and amplified by the present, for a stocking that we still hung this year.  For this man I only met once or twice, for my friend who is far away, for the way his life will change, for everyone (because haven't we all lost someone?  We all will eventually).

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