1. He knocks heavy water glasses off of my desk onto the floor, so that they shatter into a million razor-sharp shards right by my bed.
2. He infiltrates the bathroom while I'm taking a shower, lying in wait on the rug. He knows that when I step out of the shower, I will not be looking for him and will step on him and hit my head on the many ceramic things in my tiny bathroom.
3. When he sleeps on my bed at night, he sleeps on my chest (the better to suffocate me) or next to my face (an even quicker modality); barring that, he curls up against me so that I can't move, effectively trapping me in a helpless position.
4. He's always watching.
5. He employs psychological warfare by meowing constantly, keeping me awake at night and wearing down my will to survive.
*Inspired by the oatmeal, which featured this comic. Unfortunately, the cat-crimes against humanity alleged herein are reflective of my cat's true nature.